Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Brain dump

-up at 5 to shower, to then wait for it to stop raining so I can go out and milk the goats, to them come in and dry hair/do hair/get ready for school.

-subbing 4 out of the 5 this week. *sigh* If I didn't want/need the money so bad I'd be pissed. Instead I'll just be pissy. I mean what happened to the subs like I had in HS? Pop in a movie and you are good to go? Nope...not now. And most of the time the original teachers don't leave their computer log ons so I can't just play around on the computer. It's like they WANT you to work for your money. What? Granted, I'm chomping down some Nora Roberts books like Doritos. 5 in the past 2 weeks. Thanks Subbing! *thumbs up*

-I DVR Dr. OZ and yesterday was all about the Paleo diet. Which to me just seems like Atkins w/out dairy. And you know..dairy probably is part of my fat problem. But it's a coffee thing. Coffee, sweetener, half and half. Not some non-dairy powder. If I wasn't terrified of the caffeine headache (which I totally get) and if I hadn't just opened a new box of Golden French Toast (K-cups, yo) I'd try to quit...

-Babe (the irish wolfhound) had 2 dates this weekend, fingers crossed for puppies in June!

-My previously-fat husband (the one that thinks he knows ALL about dieting)-seriously gets on my nerves. Esp when I want to get my 'eat' on. Having him 'reformed' doesn't make it easier for me to try to lose, b/c he's judgey about it and very- "Oh so you are just going to give up on your diet?". No, I just want to eat my ONE bowl of ice cream and for you to shutdaFup. Thanks.

Well the sun isn't up, and it's still raining and cold (come on Spring, let's get it in gear!), but it's light enough that I need to go and get the milking done. Boots and bucket time.

Happy Tuesday.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Dear 46lbs....

Dear 46lbs,

I've been trying to get you to leave for awhile now. I don't want you anymore. And in fact, you pretty much make my life miserable. You consume my thoughts and make me question EVERYTHING. Well, ok..granted you and my wickedly low self esteem have tag teamed this..but still. You aren't helping.
Now, I appreciate your efforts as of lately to at least rearrange yourself to where all my XL shirts fit loosely and my 16 pants are comfortable. But I don't want to be an XL/16 anymore. So you need to go.
It's Spring, and it's going to be a hot summer...I want to wear things so that my skin can get some sun, and maybe even start allowing myself to be photographed again.
Oh and that wedding coming up...it was to Mr. and Mrs., no room for +46 so you can't go. I know some of you will...but seriously. I'm tired and I want you gone. You are bringing me down in SO many ways and I just don't want you around anymore.
If about 7 of you could just, you know...leave..maybe it would give me some hope that the rest of you are at least considering it as well.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Wrong way fatty.

So the scale says 185 (wrong way fatty!), which is up from my first post where I was at 181.8 (about a month ago). And it's a pisser. Especially when I feel like I've been trying.
I've been eating less, and still pretty low carb. I did work out for like a week, but then I started subbing a ton and stopped (insert excuses here). I've been taking green coffee bean AND acai berry pills..not that I think they'll work a miracle, but I've found they do kinda stave off my monster appetite. I'm not telling YOU to do it..I'm just being honest with what I'm doing.
I'm just so damn tired all the time. I feel too tired to work out, I feel to tired to even catch up on my DVR or watch a movie (that's a new development). However, I'm never too tired to eat....I wish I were.
NOTHING about weight loss is easy. It all sucks pretty bad.
But one bad mood won't finish me off. But today..I wallow.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

You might as well know...

it's a confession of sorts..not one that I'm ashamed of (although I used to be-more on that later)..but here goes it...I've got goats. Yup. Bleating, shedding, milk producing beauties! And here is me in all my erm..glory (?) with one of my girls. Of course they have ridiculous names since my daughter named them. My two milkers (females/nannies who have recently kidded/given birth and I'm able to milk)-are Butterscotch Cookie (Scotch) and Snow White (Snow). I can go totally goat on you..but I won't..but I'm sure that little bits of my vast caprine knowledge will spill over into stuff I'm sharing.
 I kinda had a point of putting the pic..I've yet to get a 'full size' pic of my current body status, but even sitting, it's getting better. But more so you can get an idea of me on a daily. Twice a day I'm pullin on my 'barn' boots and headed down to the barn. I grew up doing this and being annoyed with it..but now as an adult who has to pay upwards of $4 a gallon for cow milk..I'll happily do it so we can have fresh milk. I won't go total hippy on you, b/c I'm love my store bought milk just as much..but I will tell you there is a certain joy that comes with goats. Being a landlord as well (which sometimes means being a babysitter) I have to have my phone with me at all times..and it gets really old. But I did make a rule to be totally unplugged at the barn. When I'm with the girls and it's milking time....it's quiet. It's only me and the goats, the milk hitting the bucket, and the quiet crunching of grain/hay. And that's enough of my 'barn nerd' for one post.
Moving on!...
This is me and my girl! Who turned 5 yesterday...she lost two of her bottom teeth (way early) and tends to highlight that in pics...but she's my best little gal. She's a complete Mini-Me. In fact my Husband is known to say that "there aren't any shows on tv that entertain me more than watching you girls argue, because it's like watching you argue with the small version of yourself, and neither of you ever win". It's true.
Monday and Tuesday were ok days as far as eating went. I also did WAP (Walk away the Pounds with Leslie Sansone) 3 miles Monday, 1 mile Tuesday. Yesterdays eating wasn't great....Miss M had decided she wanted my parents to take her to a Chinese buffet for lunch (1 plate there), then instead of cake she chose cheesecake and eclairs for her 'cake'...and spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I didn't gorge, but I did take samplings of everything. But I didn't get horribly full, but it's not like I was eating great things either.
And that's all for now! I'm heading to the barn, then subbin' at the school later. Busy, but not manic. I can manage that.
Have a great day!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Holy Hangry

Pinned Image

It's totally a thing. And I had a SERIOUS problem with it yesterday.
Well first let's discuss the amazing Easter lunch I made...quite the spread...spiral ham, deviled eggs, hashbrown casserole (Mother in law made that one), biscuits (canned, I cheated), a giant coconut cake (from scratch, yo), and cheesy corn (oh, sweet Heaven...). I helped myself to ALL of it..well..not the biscuits..I thought "meh, I don't need the extra carbs" and ate a moderate slice of cake. Bah.
Afterwards I was FULL, like slip into a 4 hour nap full (not dirty full like I was on the pizza buffet night), which I was denied (thanks Hubs) due to the fact we had family over. Family that we see ALL THE TIME mind you...anyway.
I thought (in my state of fullness) "I won't eat dinner, I'm good, way too full".
But then around 6...it hit. I was hungry. And I didn't especially want some leftovers...
I specifically wanted pizza...and a Pepsi. Hubs was hungry as well, so I called to see how long the pizza place was open "we are open until 8", sweet...well..evidently they didn't hang up the phone all the way, b/c when I went back to call in our order (after I'd alerted Hubs that we were going to order one) busy signal...for like an hour..(believe me..I called like 25 times). It was the universe telling me "NO". Screaming "NO" at me..and I just didn't want to hear it.
But then I spied some potato chips on the counter, and though..hmm..yes..that will do. Only to return from my shower to find that Hubs had inhaled the bag. And I started to crack.
The bed hadn't been made, so I started angrily on that task, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And then I snapped.
I saw my muffin top and my full face and screamed *inside my head* that obviously my fat ass didn't NEED anymore food.
At which point Hubs stepped in-
H: Why are you mad at me?
Hangry Suze: I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me, well no...I am mad at you b/c you ate the potato chips. But I'm mad at my fat ass b/c I don't need to eat anyway.
At which point he launches into a speach about how I'm making progress and even how his coworkers have commented that I look like I've lost weight. And that's sweet..really..but until "I" can see it, I don't feel like it counts..that's just how I am unfortunately.
I didn't want a protein shake. I wanted a Pepsi.
I didn't want leftovers. I wanted Pizza.
And I want to wake up at my goal weight and totally forget this 'fat' part.
I was in tears, and unhappy, and getting more and more pissed at Hubs for trying to help.
At one point in his "this is a journey" speal-I hollered out at him "Shut up Jillian Michaels".
He ended up making some scrambled eggs with the leftover ham and some onions, and we polished off the cheesy corn (at least no WHITE carbs in it).
I went to bed full, but it sure as Hell wasn't a happy full.

Today I am chugging water like crazy to try to help out with yesterday's immense salt intake. And just hoping that the Hanger pains don't kick in that was again for a looooong time.